What You Stole II: In Search of More Views
by resoundingdeluge
Summary: What if the story What You Stole... was dumb? Like really, REALLY dumb? After all, if you can't laugh at yourself...
1. The Forest of Gnomes

**Chapter 1**: Walking Late

Sun's only notable trait for chapter one was being good at sleeping. Neptune, Sage, and Scarlet each did various things every single night, but none of them would ever be referenced again in the story, even after they showed up later. Neptune in particular more or less lost his narcissistic side somewhere in the whirlwind of constant updates, and never once checked his pores or obsessed over his appearance at night despite sleeping in the same room as Sun multiple times. Regardless, Sun was _really good_ at sleeping. Practically an Olympic sleeper… but not that night.

The clueless faunus remained on the bed, which was comfortable enough to warrant several sentences of description, but only received one this time. He had chosen to leave the door cracked so that Ilia could spy on him, but frowned in disappointment as the author completely forgot to mention such a thing happening even this early in the story later on. With that opportunity lost, Sun rolled onto his side and continued to think about just how much of a dumbass he was while meeting Blake's parents for the first time.

_Your daughter's got legs for days and toes built for suckin'. If we were alone right now, I'd be all over that ass and taking her to poundtown. Like, you don't even know. I mean, given the way your wife looks at just about everyone, you probably do, but that's beside the point._

All that Sun had meant to say was that Blake had nice legs. The fact that he had included his secret lust for the girl's toes in front of her parents was a move that would haunt him until the day of his death, in Chapter 75 of _What You Stole_. The only thing Sun could think of that he found more embarrassing was what he had said to Ghira immediately afterward, while trying to recover from the burning sensation that the tea had left in his mouth.

"I stalked your daughter for several months on a boat, and we're all going to pretend that it was romantic," he repeated to himself in the empty room.

Sun shook his head as he let his feet dangle over the edge of the bed. He looked around the room and took note of where all of the furniture was, so that it could be referenced later in several scenes. He made his way out onto the balcony, and ignored the chameleon faunus perched upon the railing as he put his hands around the wrought iron. Sun looked this way and that, and found that somewhere across the mansion, swirling lights akin to a disco ball were emanating from another room.

Could the room belong to Blake? Was she playing Donna Summer and wearing bell bottoms? Were her toes available for sucking, and if he asked, would she let him go to town on her feet? He _had_ to know.

Sun made his way into the hall, and began to creep along the floorboards. He looked all throughout the manor to take in the insignificant details, and finally found his way to a massive wooden door. Painted upon the portal was a giant replica of the Belladonna emblem with a rather phallic shape dangling off the side, near the base. Sun tilted his head as he regarded the unfamiliar addition.

"Yeah, this must be Blake's room," he said to himself before shoving his way inside. Behind the door, Ghira Belladonna sat at the desk, looking through nonspecific paperwork.

"What are you doing in my swamp, Mister Wukong?"

**Chapter 2**: Nero

Several possible scenarios played out in Sun's mind as he eyed the much larger male.

_Option One. "I really have to pee. Peeing is mentioned several times in this story, for seemingly no reason at all."_

_ Option Two. "I've seen a lot of porn that starts like this," Sun cooed as he approached the desk and climbed atop it. Ghira began to shuffle out of his jacket, and pulled the young faunus in for a passionate k-_

_Option Three. "What are __**you**__ doing in __**my**__ swamp?" he asked with requisite finger guns._

Sun quickly decided that Option Three was the way to go.

Ghira merely stared as Sun finished his wild, cocky gesturing. The Belladonna patriarch blinked several times, and offered a few rapid, shallow nods.

"…that's fair. Are you porking my daughter?"

"I'm _not_ porking your daughter, sir," Sun replied immediately. "In fact, I don't even know what porking is. I'm so averse to porking that I'm Jewish by association."

"I see," Ghira said with a scrutinizing glare. "Then why are you so insistent about sucking on my daughter's toes?"

"I… uh… um… science project? Trying to find out if faunus toes and human toes taste different?" Sun offered with a cheesy grin. Ghira narrowed his eyes even further, and he stood up from his desk. He closed the distance to Sun, who peed himself a little, and rested a massive palm upon the boy's shoulder.

"The last person to suckle my daughter's toes was Adam Taurus, and he was _very_ good at it. Not only do I doubt the capability of your tongue, given how badly you're fumbling excuses, there is to be no toe-to-mouth contact in this house. Am I abundantly clear?"

"Crystal, sir," Sun replied. He was vaguely aware of the mess on the carpet beneath himself, but tried to play it cool as he slipped off to the side.

"I am going to tell you three things, and then you are going to go back to your room and likely look at foot pictures upon your scroll, to keep your mind off of Blake's. Is that clear?" Ghira asked.

"Crystal. I don't even like toes that much, sir. I don't know why my mind went there, or why I said it. I'm more of an ass man, myself," Sun admitted sheepishly.

"_First_, if you decide for some reason to eschew your Jewish faith and pork my daughter, the door _will_ remain open for the duration. Kali would be very upset if she couldn't hear from wherever she may be in the house, and rush to the bedroom to be your personal cheerleader."

"That's… fair," Sun agreed. "Sex with an open door only. Pom poms. Got it."

"_Second,_ if you date my daughter in under ten chapters from now, and you ever break her heart, I will break you. Unless, of course, I am dead at that point in time," Ghira threatened. "If that is the case, I will haunt your pasty, tailed ass."

"Get a priest to exorcise and bless the house if we get a divorce. Message received," Sun said with a gulp.

"And finally… I, too, am an ass man. I thought you might like to know," Ghira said with a firm nod.

"Gotcha. Heading back to my room, now," Sun said as he began to tiptoe to the door.

"_Wait_," Ghira said in a commanding voice. Sun froze, eyes wide, and shivered. "Get a mop and clean the piss out of the carpet. We're only _partial _animals!"

"Yes, sir!" Sun dashed off to the hallway closet as quickly as his legs could carry him. He returned to the office with a mop and bucket, and scrubbed his shame out of the carpet as quickly as he could while Ghira watched. When the task was complete, Sun sprinted down the hall to his borrowed room. As he opened the door, he caught sight of Blake laying upon the bed in lingerie. Sun's face turned ghost white at the sight, and his tail went rigid.

"Sun? Is something wrong?" Blake asked.

"_Mazel tov!_" he replied.

**Chapter 3**: ASMR

"You're Jewish?" Blake asked as she sat up upon the mattress.

"It's… it's a long story!" Sun slammed the door to the bedroom, before remembering Ghira's words, and opening it again. Kali Belladonna stood just behind it as it reopened, wearing a short purple and white skirt and a matching top with 'KBCS' emblazoned upon it in gold letters. In her hands were a pair of yellow and purple pom poms, and her expression was one of sheer joy.

"Is it time!?" she asked in an excited tone.

Sun slammed the door in response as he turned back to face Blake.

"_You can't be here!_"

"My house, my rules, _bitch_," Blake sassed from her position on the bed while flashing gang signs. Sun replied by running into the bathroom, and vomiting into the toilet bowl.

"Oh my god, you made him sick!" Ilia cried from her place upon the balcony railing. She rushed inside of the room, only for Blake to grab her by the collar of her onesie.

"You aren't in this chapter!" she seethed. "Consider it a traitor tax! He's _mine!_"

"But… but my _big bro!_" Ilia whined as Blake hoisted her off the floor by her collar and tossed her out onto the balcony before slamming the door shut. Blake made her way into the bathroom, and folded her arms across her chest.

"Are you done puking? Did you accidentally eat pork or something? I still can't believe you never told me about your faith," Blake commented.

"_I'm not Jewish!"_ Sun cried as he leaned back and sat with his back against the wall.

"I'll get the Pepto Bismol," Blake replied as she reached into the medicine cabinet. She brought down a pink bottle and offered it to Sun, who unscrewed the cap and began to chug from it. Blake nodded her approval, and did a sweet-ass flip before landing with her foot upon the flush handle of the toilet to banish the vomit down into the sewers with the other foul waste, like garbage disposal contents and the Bumbleby ship.

"Holy balls, that was incredible," Sun remarked. "Teach me your ways."

"Teach yourself," Blake replied before sauntering out into the main room. Sun rose, and followed along as he took another pull of Pepto Bismol.

"So, what do you want to talk about?" Sun asked.

"I want to talk about what happens in the next chapter," Blake replied as she sat down on the bed.

"And what's that?" Sun inquired as he sat down beside her.

"Well… hit the 'right arrow' button, and you'll see," Blake said simply.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

Ladies and gentlemen, we've hit a new low. This is an idea I've had for a long, _long_ time, before _What You Stole _was even a rough concept, and before I started watching RWBY. I've wanted to write something serious and then rip it to shreds with a 'stupid' retelling of it for _years_, and I figured that _What You Stole_ is the perfect candidate. I'm well aware that the audience for a story like this is insanely small, but if I can entertain at least one person who read the original, it'll all have been worth it.

I have no idea when this will update, and I'm not about to set a schedule, either. This will be a fun, incredibly stupid little side thing to chip away at when I can't handle the seriousness of writing a new chapter of _Arboretum_. Thanks for reading this far, and also, _how and why_ did you read this far? There must be something wrong with you to get to the end of this chapter. There's certainly something wrong with me.

**-RD**


	2. IT'S A CONSPIRACY

**Chapter 4**: Blake Has Cold Hands

Sun and Blake flinched slightly as they heard noise from outside, and Blake immediately walked to the balcony door. She slammed the heavy panel shut on Ilia's arm as the chameleon girl tried to force her way into the bedroom, and severed the entire limb, which fell to the floor with a wet squelch. Ilia screamed in agony from her place on the balcony, but her arm grew back before her reappearance in the story because lizard. Blake returned to the bed without a word, and Sun merely scratched his ass as he tilted his head in confusion.

"So, what's up? It's the next chapter, now."

"Do you feel any better?" Blake asked as she flopped back onto the bed beside her beau.

"My mouth tastes like disappointment and steel wool. So, not really," Sun admitted.

"Good," Blake replied. "What were you doing out so late? I mean, I was looking for you, too, but I asked first, so get fucked."

Sun blinked, and found that he couldn't argue with Blake's flawless logic. "Um… I was looking for you? But then a thing happened, and I ran into your dad. Like, in his office. Because I'm dumb."

"You _are_ dumb," Blake agreed. "But so is my dad. He's big, and dumb, and I hate him, but only sometimes. Don't let it get to you."

"He's not so bad," Sun protested. "I mean, if I was in his position, I'd be just as ornery and overprotective of you as he is."

Blake scowled, blew her hair out of her face, and began thinking about how the conversation would inspire a whole bout of moody poetry later.

"Ugh, no, you wouldn't. You show your affection for people by stalking them, instead of just grumbling and posturing. You'd probably be following me all around the house taking pictures of my feet, or something."

Sun had the decency to blush, and took out his scroll. He rapidly began to delete incriminating photos from his gallery, while only half-listening as the conversation went on.

"Uh… no, of course not. I wouldn't do that."

"Whatever. Lay down, bitch," Blake commanded. Sun followed her orders, and fell over face first into the mattress. Blake climbed atop his back and began practicing Krav Maga upon his shoulder blades as he whined and squealed in pain and arousal.

"We're going shopping tomorrow," Blake said matter-of-factly. "Don't steal anything. I need tuna, tampons, and turpentine. We call them the 'Three T's' around here."

Sun cried out in absolute agony as Blake performed a flying body slam into his lower back. A harsh crack rang out within the room, and tears welled up in his eyes as he felt as though his spine had been snapped.

"In what circumstances would you buy those three items together regularly enough to have a name for it?" Sun inquired, only to receive a harsh open-handed strike to the back of the head. He stopped moving, and Blake put the boy in an arm bar.

"Sun? Are you seriously asleep, during a sensual massage?" Blake asked as she popped Sun's shoulder out of its socket. "Well, so much for romance, tonight."

**Chapter 5**: Stroke Them Ears

Sun awoke with a splitting headache. He screamed as loud as he could while slithering off the bed, and hit the ground with a loud thud. The faunus boy inched along the floor for a few moments before remembering that he had legs, and getting up to stand upon them. He made his way to the bathroom and knocked several times.

_"It's occupied!" _came Ilia's voice through the wall. Sun, of course, had no idea to whom it belonged to, and he merely blinked.

"…oh. That's a shame," he replied in confusion before making his way to a nearby decorative plant and peeing into the pot below it. With that taken care of, he made his way into the hall, and threw himself over the railing to land in the dining room. After crashing into one of the tables, he dragged himself up from the splintered wood and walked into the nearby kitchen, where Kali Belladonna awaited in her cheerleader uniform.

Kali rubbed the soapy pom-pom in her hand around a frying pan as she stared directly into Sun's abs. Flickering visions of light and color appeared on each muscle individually, and the woman watched the future play out upon the boy's stomach in a series of flashes. She watched her husband die to a White Fang assault, a boy with blue hair parade around a room naked, and Blake spend an entire afternoon licking her arm to clean it. Kali found that she was completely fine with all of the visions, so long as she could continue to stare into Sun's abs, uninterrupted.

"Um, Blake?" Sun interrupted. "Where go?"

Kali nodded her head to a door behind herself, and set the items in her hands down upon the nearby countertop. "She's talking to Ghira, but that's not important. We need to prepare you to give Blake a child. I have the ritual implements ready to go."

Sun blinked in confusion as Kali produced a small box from somewhere within her skirt, and slowly began to fold back the flaps atop it.

"But… Mrs. B, we're not even dating yet."

"I don't care," Kali protested as she removed a long sheet of square wrappers from the box, and began to tear at the top of the first. She removed a condom and flailed it around slightly to stretch out the implement, as Sun watched curiously. "Hands out in front of you. Fingers spread."

"Okay…?" Sun questioned as he did as he was told. Kali slowly slipped the condom onto one of his fingers, before unwrapping another and repeating the process. "Is this what sex is? I'm confused."

"No, not quite," Kali explained as she finished putting the tenth and final condom on Sun's left thumb. "You wouldn't be wearing these when it's time, anyway. These are protection for when we head to the market, in a bit. They'll protect you from having to handle slimy fish with your bare fingers. You need to secure the biggest tuna possible and offer it at Blake's poetry shrine, in her bedroom. Otherwise, she won't sleep with you."

"Oh!" Sun said, as suddenly everything began to make sense. "You're really thoughtful."

"Touch my daughter's ears," Kali commanded. "Do it."

**Chapter 6**: Hoes Mad

A shrill, high-pitched shriek echoed throughout the White Fang campground in the early morning.

"_REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"_

Adam continued to scream ineffectually as he flailed his sword about, bashing it into the poles of his command tent. The fabric began to rapidly fall down around him, and he only flailed and screamed louder as he continued his wild, errant slashing at everything around himself. He also continued the nonsensical yelling.

"_Blake! This is all Blake's fault! She did this! Blake invented tents, and I'm gonna kill her!"_ he wailed as bits of shredded canvas descended into his mouth. He spit and sputtered to get the fabric away from himself, and spun into another slash. An unfortunate member of the White Fang who had come to investigate was cleaved in half by the wayward swing, and his body fell to the ground in two pieces.

"_Schnee Dust Company! It's also them! Blake is a Schnee! Blake Schnee! I hate them both! Slavery, sales tax, and the discontinuation of the malformed Sonic the Hedgehog popsicles I used to love as a kid! They've ruined my life!"_

Adam finally managed to wade out of the collapsed tent, wearing pieces of the canvas around his waist like a skirt. The men assembled around the campground stared in a mixture of disbelief and fear at their crazed leader. Adam sheathed his sword, and brushed the canvas skirt off of himself before clearing his throat and taking a deep breath. For a moment, he considered speaking calmly, before he resigned himself to screaming at the top of his lungs once again.

_"The Great War was an inside job! The Schnees did it! Goddamned roosters pouring chemicals into the water to turn the friggin' bees gay!"_

He ran off into the woods without another word.

* * *

Sun stared down at his scroll, and the message he had sent to Blake.

_I'm not really into feet, I swear. I mean, your feet are nice, but I'm not obsessed with feet or anything. It's not creepy._

Blake responded with a foot emoji. Sun drooled upon his screen, and Kali merely rolled her eyes.

"Focus, Sun. I'm guessing she asked you to get the Three T's, in addition to the big tuna?"

"Yeah, actually. How did you…?" Sun trailed off, before deciding he didn't want the answer. "Um, where do we start, Mrs. B?"

"Call me Kali," Mrs. B replied. "And this way."

The pair jumped simultaneously as Ilia fell out of a nearby tree, and performed a dive roll into a bush. Sun opened his mouth to say something, only for Kali to shake her head.

"It was probably nothing. Don't worry about it."

* * *

**Author's Note:**

This is the content everyone wants, right? I could be working on the beginning of Volume 7 of the actual _What You Stole_ updates, but hey. You people demanded this in incredible numbers, unseen before in any story, and I am but a slave to what the audience wants. That's totally what's going on here.

This story has like no views, nor should it. I'm not sorry.

**-RD**


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